


I need you now but I don't know you yet

by MercuryStars



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Background Deceit | Janus Sanders, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders Needs a Hug, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, M/M, Pining Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Pre-Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Pre-Relationship, Roman needs his soulmate, Smitten Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Soulmates Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, and all the hugs in the world, and therapy, he shows up at the very end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:47:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26182927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MercuryStars/pseuds/MercuryStars
Summary: Roman Sanders feels so, so alone. He feels empty, overwhelmed and like he's a moment away from shattering into a million little pieces. He's holding out hope that his soulmate, Janus, whoever that might be, will still be able to love him. He's holding out hope that  he'll get to meet him soon unaware that he already has.
Relationships: Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 7
Kudos: 81





	I need you now but I don't know you yet

**Author's Note:**

> Janus is aware that Roman is his soulmate but isn't ready to reveal his name to anyone yet and so hasn't told him. If he knew how much he was struggling he would do it in a heartbeat.  
> Roman has not even considered the possibility that Deceit could be the one he's been searching for.

Roman’s hands were fisted tightly in his hair, his head between his knees as tears poured from his eyes, it felt like he could barely breathe anymore despite how desperately he was fighting for control. It was long past the time that Thomas and most of the other sides would be asleep and he knew that his current breakdown would be giving Thomas some sort of nightmare but he just couldn’t help it. Yet another thing he was messing up. He just…he just felt so _god damn_ ** _ **awful**_** and _…and dammit he wanted someone who would actually care about him._

Roman’s hands dropped from his hair to his chest as he felt a sharp pulling, _a sharp_ _longing._ His fingers brushed lightly over the name spelled out in yellow calligraphy on his wrist, _Janus._ He hadn’t a clue who Janus was. He wished he did though. He hadn’t a clue who Janus was and yet he needed him more than anything else. Janus. His soulmate. Was he darkside? Was he a lightside who hadn’t appeared yet? He might have cared about the distinction in the past but not anymore. He just wanted to meet him. More than anything.

Pulling in a shuddering breath, Roman forced his eyes away from his mark as a tidal wave of new, painful thoughts crashed over his mind, sweeping away everything else in sight. He didn’t want to tarnish his beautiful mark, one of the few things he truly liked about himself, with his dark, all consuming thoughts. Stumbling to his feet Roman made his way to his bed before dropping onto it exhaustedly. There would be no sleep tonight though. Filtering through what was in his head gave him a clue as to what tonight’s theme would be. _Guilt._

_“I thought you fought for honour! Why are you pushing Thomas to be dishonest?”_ He wasn’t! He…he wasn’t. He just, a muffled sob escaped Roman’s throat as he tried his best to stifle the noise with his hands pressed tightly over his mouth, he just wanted Thomas to follow his dreams! He wanted Thomas to be the best he could be and climb higher and higher and reach his goals! He wanted Thomas to go to the callback! If that meant siding with Deceit…no. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t side with Deceit, no matter how much he agreed with him, because that meant he was being dishonourable...

Nevertheless, no matter how dishonourable he may have become in the eyes of the others, no matter how far he may have fallen, he was nothing if not an actor and even he could admit he was skilled at his craft. Never quite good enough for the crushing weight of his own standards but skilled nonetheless. It was how he had managed to make it so long without being called out on the fact that he was shattering into pieces just below the surface more and more each time he interacted with the other sides.

They used to be a family. Patton, Logan and he with the later addition of Virgil. At least he had considered them as such. Now…now he wasn’t quite sure. He wasn’t quite sure of a lot anymore. Had the others ever considered themselves a family? Or were they still a family and he just wasn’t quite a part of it anymore? Maybe he just didn’t fit anymore.

Nowadays, it seemed as though he only ever saw the others when they passed each other in the corridors or they needed something from him. It felt as though it had been a millennia since he’d had any sort of deep or meaningful connection with any of them. He thinks he missed it but if he was to get it all back now he’s not sure he would know what to do. He’s not sure he would know what to do and yet he _craved_ something, _anything_ , resembling a meaningful connection. A fresh slate perhaps. Someone who didn’t know each and every one of his flaws and faults. Someone who didn’t get to know him and then look away.

He didn’t want to just be a show piece anymore he wanted something _deeper_.

Roman continued to toss and turn and _god he wished he could sleep for just a little so that he could escape._ A growl slipped from his lips as he threw his pillow across the room and watched as it hit the wall with a too soft **_**thud**_**. Throwing himself out of his bed he stalked across the room and stared into the mirror, meeting his own eyes and struggling to confront the hopelessness reflected back at him in them. He wanted his soulmate. Wanted them more than anything in the world but…that was only half of the problem wasn’t it? He wanted them but would they want him back? Maybe they’d take one look and decide he wasn’t worth their time. He wouldn’t blame them. Not even a little.

He wanted to be good enough for his soulmate. God, how he prayed he would be good enough. He already knew he wasn’t. Whoever his soulmate may be, _Janus,_ already deserved infinitely better than he could give. He was disappointing them before they’d ever even had the chance to meet. Still, he dreamed of being enough.

A laugh bubbled up in the broken prince’s throat as he wiped his eyes and sank once more to the floor. Decision time! And his decision was that he was very much _done_ with his stupid brain for the night! There was only so much self deprecation one could put up with and even though he had a seemingly endless well to draw from he knew he needed to stop. To try to stop. It wasn’t always easy. Some nights it was very much impossible.

Roman’s fingers once more danced over the name emblazoned on his wrist and he fell back into the comforting familiarity of daydreaming of his soulmate. He wondered what colour his eyes shone with when they were happy. He wondered what food could make him grin from ear to ear when he was presented with it. He wondered what his dress sense was like. He wondered if he felt the same aching longing as he did. He wondered how soft his hair would be if he were ever granted the privilege of running his fingers through it.

Just as he began to feel the tiniest bit lighter, just as the smallest hint of a genuine smile began to creep onto his face he felt the familiar pulling behind his naval. Thomas was summoning him. That was…okay. He needed a good distraction, not as much as he had earlier but still it could be nice. Maybe.

Pushing himself to his feet and cleaning his face enough of the tear stains that no questions would be asked, he plastered on a grin and exited his room. Exited his room and almost ran straight into Deceit. “Oh, hello Deceit.” He said as warmly as he currently could manage. Deceit responded with his usual smirk.

“Hello, my prince.”

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, it took me waaay too long to finish it, it's been sitting in my folder for ages with only the first two paragraphs and tonight I did all the rest of it! Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and please leave comments and kudos if you're so inclined, they make my day! See ya!


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